If you’re ever in intensive therapy for a psychotic break, one of the things they may teach you is handling consequences. Having a psychotic break isn’t your fault, but it’s your responsibility. I’m still finding out things I said and did and I cringe. That said, I’m responsible for all of it. Whenever I flirt with the idea of skipping a day of medication, I recall all the damage I did and the people I hurt, and I take the pills.
The people I’ve hurt probably don’t want to hear from me, even for me to apologize. I have to learn to make something called living amends: where you promise to yourself not to repeat the damaging behavior, in their honor. The people you’ve hurt may never forgive you or see your progress, you just have to hope that they find healing without you.
I’m not the first person to have a psychotic break on an SSRI. There was a guy in Florida who weirdly had the same delusions I did (God telling you to save the world by getting police to kill you) 1. What causes these commonalities? When SSRIs cause these breaks, doctors just shrug their shoulders and say “I guess you were secretly bipolar this whole time.”
I’ve also channeled this into helping others. After leaving Amazon, I stayed in the company Blind channel, talking people down from suicide. I want to help other people with my story. I want people to turn away from overwork and recognize their humanity.
I want other people to see The Dark Side of Ownership.
- Condiotte A, Govada V. Attempted “suicide by police” by a patient with bipolar I disorder and PTSD on paroxetine monotherapy. Prim Care Companion CNS Disord. 2022;24(3):21cr03095. https://doi.org/10.4088/PCC.21cr03095 ↩︎