I was successful and high performing, but I still had to quit. I couldn’t take it anymore.
I was so close to earning a yellow badge— a badge that Amazon employees are awarded after 5 years of service— but I somehow felt that would be a step too far in losing myself to the company.
Lots of people said kind things in reply to my mass goodbye message. I was too burnt out to reply. (Note from Future Self: Thank you guys, truly, you made it all worthwhile).
I also got an email from someone I didn’t expect: my anti-mentor.
I won’t post the exact email out of a respect for privacy, but it triggered me something bad. My stomach turned before I finished the first line.
He told me that I was one of his favorite stories at Amazon.
The guy I had to be placed on different team from and had me suicidal was telling me: “Wow it’s amazing how much you got done once you didn’t have to work under me anymore, must be because you developed an effective working style.” My story— the story of how a person can lose their boundaries and identity— that’s his favorite story at Amazon. His favorite story had to go to HR to get away from him. My “effective” working style was working myself to death for people who would pretend not to notice.
He offered that I come work for him in the future, which would involve putting myself back in a subordinate position to him.
I’d rather die.
If you’ve ever had to work with someone like this, my story may be familiar. The back-handed praise that leaves you feeling smaller than before. The walking on eggshells to avoid incurring their wrath. All those memories of fear and humiliation came rushing back when I read his words.
I was so tired. And angry. I did something I shouldn’t have:
I replied.
I thanked him for the compliment, but let him know that he made Amazon miserable for me (and others). I cited specific times he hurt me. I praised him for having come a long way since we had to work together, and encouraged him to keep it up.
He responded. The way he denied everything just made it worse. (Note from future self: He has to deny it, society doesn’t have any forgiveness mechanisms for that kind of thing. Is he denying it to hurt you, or just self-preservation?)
I thought I could get over my anti-mentor’s reply and move on with a new job. I was wrong.