During psychosis, the inside world and the outside world don’t match up. On the outside, you’re naked screaming offensive things at a pigeon in the Safeway parking lot.
But on the inside?
You’re solving quantum gravity.
The last thing I remember is calling my boss crying, telling him I have to quit because I can’t think anymore. I don’t remember what he said, but knowing him it was probably something kind and encouraging. That is my last sane memory. As soon as I hang up, I lose myself.
Then I’m outside. Naked. The fire alarm is going off. Did I pull it? Everything feels cloudy and dream-like. All my neighbors are outside, but their faces have been replaced with the faces of my co-workers from Amazon. They’re congratulating me on figuring out the truth. There’s a man inside the nearby restaurant filming me on his phone. He’s going to feel silly once he gets The Update.
There’s a firefighter approaching me, but he’s not real, like a hologram. To prove it, I move my hand to his face and tap. It doesn’t go through him. Wait, is he real? Am I naked outside in Seattle in front of all my neighbors and I just assaulted a firefighter? No, of course not, I’m Diogenes.
I guess I go back inside? Because I vaguely remember being on my computer and seeing the craziest things. Wild, inflammatory CAPTCHAs that I have to type to prove I’m human. Flashing lights. Windows and tabs popping in and out. Like I am being hacked.
People are calling and texting me but I have no idea what I’m saying. Words just keep vomiting out of my mouth. I’m talking to myself at people. It doesn’t make any sense.
Then I’m outside again? The timelines are unclear. This time the police are here. They’re here to kill me. God/Hegel said I have to die to save the world but I can’t kill myself, someone has to do it for me, like they did to Jesus Christ. I reach for the police officer’s gun and end up grabbing their taser.
Now I’m naked inside my neighbor’s apartment. I think he’s wonderful, but since everything is the opposite, I probably say something really bad. I think he says “It’s time to go, buddy,” but I don’t remember.
I feel frustrated that he didn’t get The Update, so he just thought I was a mean person (I’ll never forget the bread you baked me, thank you for being such a kind neighbor).
Now I’m outside, but it’s night time. I still don’t have any clothes on. If it’s cold I don’t feel it; I can’t feel anything. I’m holding a slide whistle. I’m walking out into traffic so one of the cars will kill me. My former Amazon co-workers are driving the cars.
Now I’m in an ambulance in four-point restraints. I want to say hello to the EMT, but since bad things are good things, I say “Fuck you, kill yourself, suck my dick” or similar.
Now I’m in the hospital and one of the nurses is my high school physics teacher. I try to apologize for letting him down and he says “I’m not your high school physics teacher”, confirming that he’s my high school physics teacher. I’m surrounded by police and doctors and nurses and they’re all gathered around my gurney, I presume to sing me Happy Birthday. A doctor injects something into my arm and I fall asleep.
Then I wake up an indeterminate amount of time later, I don’t know where I am but it appears to be a hospital. A man named Paul1 visits me. He works for the county as a Designated Crisis Responder. He asks me if I remember what happened.
I say “Vaguely.” It wasn’t clear what was real and what was a dream.
Then it hits me: my computer.
If I could show him my computer this would all make sense. I want to apologize to my neighbors for scaring them, then show Paul what my computer was showing me. If he could only see what my computer was showing me this would all make sense. He thanks me for my time, then marks me as needing involuntary treatment. I fall asleep again. I wake up in a different bed in a different hospital.
- Paul is not his real name. I hesitated whether to include it because I wanted to thank him for his work, but I also don’t want him to be unfairly associated with me on the internet. Thank you for helping me, Paul, you’ve done a great service for Seattle. ↩︎