At Amazon, we use a technique called “Five Whys” to identify and eliminate the underlying causes of operational defects. I will be using this technique to analyze my mental breakdown and hopefully help you avoid winding up in a similar situation.
Problem
You ran outside naked, screaming nonsense — including offensive slurs — at birds. It was horrifying, humiliating, and completely disconnected from your values. You later tried to provoke police into ending your life.
Why?
You thought everything was opposite, so you believed you had to speak and act opposite to your beliefs. Additionally, you thought you were Jesus Christ/the Anti-Christ and had to die to save the world. You suffered numerous other delusions during those days.
Why?
You were having a psychotic break.
Why?
You were taking the medication Zoloft for PTSD, which has the potential side effect of mania1, for which you were not monitored. The literature matches what happened to you, even if it wasn’t the sole factor in developing mania.
Why weren’t you monitored?
Your condition went unmonitored because the inpatient facility you were discharged from was unable to find an outpatient psychiatrist that accepted both new patients and your insurance. There was poor continuity of care due to an overloaded system.
What gave you PTSD?
The hurt and humiliation you faced at Amazon had a profound effect on your psyche. Even after quitting, you kept reliving this humiliation when doing ordinary tasks like writing code. You had no one to talk to without risking your job or reputation. Talk therapy wasn’t helping.
Also, that’s not a Why.
Why are you so pedantic?
Why are you arguing with yourself?
Why are you still here, asking?
Because you survived, and now you want to help others.
- Viktorin, A., Lichtenstein, P., Thase, M. E., Larsson, H., Lundholm, C., Magnusson, P. K. E., & Landén, M. (2014). The risk of switch to mania in patients with bipolar disorder during treatment with an antidepressant alone and in combination with a mood stabilizer. American Journal of Psychiatry, 171(10), 1067–1073. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.ajp.2014.13111501
↩︎