CW: This chapter deals with workplace emotional abuse, it may be triggering to some.
I got a lot of positive feedback from my performance reviews. Lots of people saying I was smart, talented, and a pleasure to work with. But one comment shook me to my core.
I didn’t understand. I got a comment saying that I was great at raising concerns:
Nonetheless, for at least one other person, I was the anti-mentor. I don’t think the mentor/mentee relationship was the same, this person was a level above me. That said, does it matter? I still caused harm. I was somebody’s reason for dreading coming into work. Me. I had done that.
I felt sick. Tears welled up in my eyes. My (new) manager quickly jumped in to say she’d never seen so much positive feedback on a review, that I shouldn’t let that one comment get to my head. But I knew the truth. I was burnt out and hurting people, just like my anti-mentor.
I had become my abuser.
Not in the same way. Not with the same power. But enough to make someone else feel small.
That realization put me in a dark place. Broken. Regretful. Ashamed. Another Amazon employee feeling broken took a different route: he threatened to shoot up the office.